Have you ever?

Have you ever secretly wanted to feel chased? Ever had a quiet desire to be the obsessed? There's an underlying warmth and comfort knowing that someone cannot stop thinking about you. Your thoughts chase after the words that they've said in your ear. Your body holds onto the knowledge of their love for you, your scent, the nape of your neck, your hip bones, or the space between your thighs. You know there is something twisted about the fact that the moment you lay your head to rest they might just check your phone or computer, but somehow it sends electricity up your spine. A surge of energy from head to toe in revel of being so needed and possibly possessed by another. Slight sensations creep up your legs thinking of the way they pulled you close when they sensed a possible intruder. Your heart races looking into the soul that longs to squeeze so tight you can barely breathe. Loving you to death is the only way. It all feels so intense and powerful.
Well now,  what shall we do about such a thing? Allow our thirst of being coveted to consume our better judgment? Ride the wave of lust and let the furor suck us in? You see moments are just that;  Moments. They are fleeting. Shall we just live for      them? Shall we cease in this trice  knowing the covert intentions? Have you ever?

Finding Your Jacket

Art by Nidhi Chanani 

I woke up at about 5 AM this morning. Stumbled out of bed. I was pensive. Walked to the kitchen for my "comfort"; single decaf almond milk latte with 1 teaspoon of agave compliments of Breakfast At Tiffanys. Business as usual and just as I was heading out of my apartment something made me think of one of my favorite jackets. I remember vaguely thinking that I hadn't seen it for quite some time. As I went downstairs to hop on my Vespa (Jacquelyn is her name),  I could feel anxiety creeping up my arms and into my back. Anger, confusion and panic swept over me. I am typically a pretty evenly keeled person. It takes quite a bit to get a negative rise out of me. Somehow by the time I got to work I was crying. Again, completely out of character for me. 

I had to hop on my bike again for a private session a few hours later and I found myself analyzing what happened to me. Why did I get so upset? Why did I feel like I had done something wrong and I was being punished? Why was it such a big deal, its just a material thing (although it couldn't be replaced)... Seriously it was just a freaking jacket!! 

I had to check in with myself. Go internal. My conclusion was abysmal. This instance called some things to my attention. Just how much I care about my belongings. How I always lock my stuff up or hide it under something when I'm in a public place or even in someone's house. How I have been known to even hide things in my own place. I never really viewed myself as a materialistic person. I, of course, love nice things and am blessed to have many. So what was this? What happened today? I immersed myself deeper into my spirit and these questions came to the surface. "What has been taken away from you? Why are you so afraid?" 

At this point my mind still wanted to protect me from any emotional breakdown so it went into a place of blaming. I remembered that I had been moved around a lot as a kid and most of time I would have to leave things that I loved behind. A remember this beautiful purple jacket that my God Mother made for me and wish I still had it.  I would quickly become attached to things or a place or a room in a place and then it was taken away. My mind flipped through these memories and then... there it was.  I could see her clearly. My beloved mother. I lost her at a very young age and still to this day I feel like something very precious was taken away from me. I, at times, go back and judge the young me for how I treated my mother. I was a typical rebellious little brat and every once in a while I forget about the work I've done to heal and I go back to thinking I never got the chance to undo my "wrongs." And most of all... I never got the chance to say, "Goodbye and I love you." And so there it is. This is why I am so adamant about telling my close friends and family I love them every single time I leave them. This is why I am so protective over my things and people I care about. This is why I just wanted my jacket. 

 Life is filled with so many treasures. I consider this discovery to be a treasure...a gift... wonderful growth. 

In The End I Found My Jacket. I Found My Peace. 

I share this to say a few things. 

1. Love and Appreciate Life and  Loved Ones

2. Go back to your childhood memories that we all tuck away and
    many answers will come to light.

3. Always. Always. Always check in with yourself.

You're not alone in this,

Little Birdie

If You Build It They Will Come

I should have named my blog TABLE TALK... Hahahaha. I guess I just love my table. :)

I enjoy spending time alone. I find myself reading, listening to music, eating chocolate, drinking lovely wine, gardening, singing, dancing, running, and writing during my "me time." Sometimes I forget just how much I love having my friends over. I remember having a vision of a long white table with  mix matched chairs and pillows. Clearly hearing the voices of my friend's laughter. I dreamt hard and long about my beautiful house and how I would have dinner and gardening parties, teatime, wine tastings and cook alongs.

I probably spent my first 8 years in the city of Los Angeles telling myself that I would wait until I had my house before I bought the furniture I really liked or had friends and family visit. I didn't garden or paint my walls in my apartments because I was always on my way out in my mind. I looked at them as a "temporary situation." Well temporary becomes a long time in life sometimes doesn't it? After living in Los Angeles for 11 years now I've discovered (always known) that it is NOT  at all IMPOSSIBLE, but a huge commitment to save and purchase a house. However, in the last couple of years I've evolved. I've become a strong believer in this: "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change." I also believe one of the most important ways to live is in GRATITUDE. My strong feeling is that the only way I will ever have the things I dream of and arrive in the place I want to be in life is to truly love and appreciate where I am and what I have in the NOW.

In my current place I decided to treat it as my house. Within the first week I had the walls painted, installed new window treatment and I ordered a custom built table from Ink & Wood Inc. From then on as soon as I walked in the front door I was in my "House." The spirit in my home is that of peace, love and happiness. No matter what state I am in this place excepts me with open arms and no judgment . I am so thankful for it.

Sharing my house made my place feel like what home is supposed to feel like. These days my house is filled with laughter, little furry visitors (doggies), tears, yummy food, good music, amazing conversations, wine and chocolate. So I say IF YOU BUILD IT... build your home and friends will come, build your confidence and success will come, build your team and growth will come, build your patience and understanding and peace will come. KEEP BUILDING. I dare you.

Making Room

A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body.
Benjamin Franklin

Yup... Another entry of me just chatting with you. Little Ms. Research everything is on a short break.

Sooooo.... Ummmmm. I've noticed that when my home is not in order I cannot focus very well. Although I go through my day interacting with my clients, taking care of business or simply hanging with friends there is always this little nagging feeling that I hadn't put my finger on. Ahhh Haaaaaaa. Disorganization leaves me feeling unsettled. If you are anything like me, your home is very important to you. I strive to make my place a haven of safety, comfort and inspiration. 

Today I walked into my place and there were things on my favorite table other than fresh flowers and my favorite cookbooks. I love cooking and when I went into my kitchen I wasn't inspired to be creative with breakfast because my dishes weren't put away and my sink had traces of yesterday's meals. My big comfy white couch wasn't inviting because in all of my frenzy I washed clothes after my bedtime and left clean laundry on it. I walked into my bathroom and didn't want to take an olive oil bath although I've run about 20 miles in the last week. Even my bedroom that I call the Canary Lounge (hahahahaha) was out of order. My instruments are there and I wasn't inspired to sing. So where did I end up? On my computer. I mean it's good because it led me to write you this letter, but I really want to cook or write music and I just can't right now. 

I think it is safe to say that life is better when things are in order. That doesn't mean perfection. It doesn't mean you shouldn't leave a trail of clothes heading to your bedroom just because you feel like it. It just means it is a nice feeling to walk into a clean home. If your space is clear it frees up room in your mind and spirit to attract prosperity, happiness, fulfillment, love and success. I am challenging myself to detox my life. Each day I will focus on clearing all of my spaces. I will tap into my home, my relationships, my body and my mind. May I share my journey with you? Will you share yours with me? 

Little Birdie.

Today I just want to talk. I have a tendancy to get myself wrapped up in researching and writing about my findings. Well... today I will just say what is on my mind. I am sitting in a coffee shop thinking about how I always want to be at a coffee shop when I am trying to work from home.

After about 30 minutes of being in a coffee shop I am thinking about how amazing my home is for a workspace. I have the most beautiful long table that I had custom built so that I can could spread papers all over it for all of the projects that I manifested. I think about how I can control the temperature because most coffee shops I go to are about 10 degrees cooler than I'd like them to be. I think about how I feel the need to get dressed to make myself feel like a cool kid like all the other folks with thier apple computers and kindles. Hmmmmmm if I were in my place I could be in my underwear and knit slipper boots. I end up missing how I can switch back and forth from my couch to my table and back again. I miss my fresh flowers.

Just think at home I can eat without ordering and drink as many cups of coffee as I want. I can make my latte with almond milk, raw cacoa and whatever else my little heart desires. I can even make it in my favorite mug. My place has my music, my scents, my colors....my everything. So funny how we often want to be somewhere other than where we are. How we think the grass is greener. I guess I am just saying I am thankful for my home. I am so thankful. And... there it is. No corrections. No research. Just me.

 Little Birdie.

Courage

Many many years I've sat by the pond of life with a rod trying to catch courage. I see so many people around me stamped with it. You can see it in their eyes, hear it in their voice, and witness the way they seamlessly walk on earth so secure in every choice and decision. At least thats the story I tell myself when I'm left with a whiff of what I think courage smells and tastes of. While I cheer them on with adoration a little feeling of being left in the dust creeps up. 20/20 begins.Where's my fortitude? How did they become so brave? How can they just do things without fear of judgement and failure?

My mentor tells me over and over again that failure is an option... fear is not. I've heard him but am I really listening? Am I really processing his words? I have learned that I cower if there is a possibility of failing, of not doing the right things and being judged.
Osho said in the beginning there is not much difference between the coward and the courageous person. The only difference is, the coward listens to his fears and follows them, and the courageous person puts them aside and goes ahead. The courageous person goes into the unknown in spite of all the fears.
My spirits response to the fear of failure is to shut down.  I go to the extreme of doing only things that I feel most comfortable doing. I give all of my attention and energy to the things that I know what the outcome is.  I quiet all of my passions. I convince myself that the reason I'm not doing what I love is because I don't know what those things are. I flood my mind with all of my interests barely leaving room for me to breath and see through the confusion I've created.

Seth Godin talks about this in The Dip. In his opinion one the biggest mistakes that schools have made is telling us that being well rounded is the secret to success. To me there is nothing more intriguing than someone who is well versed and knows a lot about many different things. Somewhere along the line I lost the logic to compartmentalize all of my knowledge, interests, and passions. The line between hobbies, dreams and desires in life became a blur.  Another great point he brings up is  "in school, we tell kids that once something gets too hard, move on and focus on the next thing. The low-hanging fruit is there to be taken; no sense wasting time climbing the tree." I'm not sure if I learned this from my teachers, but I certainly have lived my life that way. I turn my attention on something that I think I want to do in life and as soon as the vulnerable feeling of possible judgment or failure creeps in I tell myself its too tough and I go to the next thing.  If I start feeling like I am climbing up a mud-slugged vertical hill not knowing if what I want would even be at the top when I finally got there I give up. 20/20 begins. What if I don't make it? What if after all of my hard work everything stays the same? What if I can't handle all of the things that comes with it? What if I fail?! I then convince myself that I just don't have the courage to do it.

As you can see I have been in my mind for many years. I have processed my cycles over and over again. I can see them for what they are.  How many times have you heard that the first step in self development and improvement is admitting or acknowledging the situation at hand (for lack of saying acknowledging the problem)? I will let you in on a little secret. I acknowledged the patterns I've painted in my mind a long time ago. I have verbalized my realizations, journaled about how I could make changes, set out goals to attack each passion that I've ignored and some how acknowledging never led to action.

Having the courage to make it through the dip was a mystery for me. I have since started to believe in my power within. The Dip is the space between starting and mastery. It's not having attachment to the outcome. Not worrying about what will happen in the future but appreciating the now. It's only quitting if you've discovered it isn't the right thing.  It's not playing it safe or doing ordinary work. It's placing no judgment on yourself and ignoring other's judgments. Believe in yourself. You have all that it takes. Be outstanding. Be courageous.  

Little Birdie

Hmmmm....

I've been a lifestyle enthusiast for about 10 years. The discovery of my passion for people and my curiosity about what it really means to be healthy keeps growing. I'm constantly researching what eating well really means, how what we do now may affect us in the future, or why heart disease and cancer takes thousands of lives a year. Books, media and society leave room for so much confusion. Just when I think I know something; when I truly believe something enough to cultivate my philosophies, research drags me back to the drawing board. We are all just searching for the answers right? My library is filled with someone else's theories on how to eat, how to become more confident, achieving success, how to detoxify, the importance of  clearing clutter, how to do bodywork  and and and and Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! 

Is it possible that the answer is within us or should  we live by the proverb, "trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight." If Lord doesn't exist in your world replace Lord with Universe or who or whatever you believe in. 

Would you believe me if I told you  that  we don't always have to look outside of ourselves?  The truth of the  matter is we all have our own beat me rock to. We have our own set of experiences  that have penciled themselves into our spirits.   

My challenge for you this week is to quiet your mind, go inside of your spirit and listen . Listen to your voice of reason. Listen to your voice of wisdom. Listen to your voice of love and gentleness. Listen closely...the answers are within. 

Little Birdie