Finding Your Jacket

Art by Nidhi Chanani 

I woke up at about 5 AM this morning. Stumbled out of bed. I was pensive. Walked to the kitchen for my "comfort"; single decaf almond milk latte with 1 teaspoon of agave compliments of Breakfast At Tiffanys. Business as usual and just as I was heading out of my apartment something made me think of one of my favorite jackets. I remember vaguely thinking that I hadn't seen it for quite some time. As I went downstairs to hop on my Vespa (Jacquelyn is her name),  I could feel anxiety creeping up my arms and into my back. Anger, confusion and panic swept over me. I am typically a pretty evenly keeled person. It takes quite a bit to get a negative rise out of me. Somehow by the time I got to work I was crying. Again, completely out of character for me. 

I had to hop on my bike again for a private session a few hours later and I found myself analyzing what happened to me. Why did I get so upset? Why did I feel like I had done something wrong and I was being punished? Why was it such a big deal, its just a material thing (although it couldn't be replaced)... Seriously it was just a freaking jacket!! 

I had to check in with myself. Go internal. My conclusion was abysmal. This instance called some things to my attention. Just how much I care about my belongings. How I always lock my stuff up or hide it under something when I'm in a public place or even in someone's house. How I have been known to even hide things in my own place. I never really viewed myself as a materialistic person. I, of course, love nice things and am blessed to have many. So what was this? What happened today? I immersed myself deeper into my spirit and these questions came to the surface. "What has been taken away from you? Why are you so afraid?" 

At this point my mind still wanted to protect me from any emotional breakdown so it went into a place of blaming. I remembered that I had been moved around a lot as a kid and most of time I would have to leave things that I loved behind. A remember this beautiful purple jacket that my God Mother made for me and wish I still had it.  I would quickly become attached to things or a place or a room in a place and then it was taken away. My mind flipped through these memories and then... there it was.  I could see her clearly. My beloved mother. I lost her at a very young age and still to this day I feel like something very precious was taken away from me. I, at times, go back and judge the young me for how I treated my mother. I was a typical rebellious little brat and every once in a while I forget about the work I've done to heal and I go back to thinking I never got the chance to undo my "wrongs." And most of all... I never got the chance to say, "Goodbye and I love you." And so there it is. This is why I am so adamant about telling my close friends and family I love them every single time I leave them. This is why I am so protective over my things and people I care about. This is why I just wanted my jacket. 

 Life is filled with so many treasures. I consider this discovery to be a treasure...a gift... wonderful growth. 

In The End I Found My Jacket. I Found My Peace. 

I share this to say a few things. 

1. Love and Appreciate Life and  Loved Ones

2. Go back to your childhood memories that we all tuck away and
    many answers will come to light.

3. Always. Always. Always check in with yourself.

You're not alone in this,

Little Birdie